xtremErisa (xtremErisa.com / xtremErisa.blogspot.com): Retirement Planning vs. Playing ‎Monopoly, the SNL Way

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Retirement Planning vs. Playing ‎Monopoly, the SNL Way

On Saturday Night Live's Black Jeopardy!, from last night:

****
Shasheer Zamata's Keeley - OK let's stay with, "You Better", for $400.

Kenan Thompson's Darnell Hayes - OK. And the answer: "Your job wants to take ‎$40 a month out of your check for a 401k."

Leslie Jones' Shanice - What is, "You better give me that money so I can buy me some scratch-offs"?

Darnell - Yeah, you d*mn . . . you d*mn right. I mean, why do I need a retirement plan when I got Monopoly Millionaires' Club?

Tom Hanks' Doug - [Hey] [inaudible] . . . Hey, I play that every week.

Darnell - Well, that's good for you.
****

I know that many of you are only watching the debate footage, but SOMEone's got to watch out for the ERISA stuff!

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Some Lite Thoughts

You can have anything you want, but you better not take it from me. - Guns N' Roses

Success is my only motherf***ing option, failure's not. . . . Feet fail me not 'cause maybe the only opportunity that I got. . . . You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo. You can do anything you set your mind to, man. - Eminem

Win. . . . Win! - Talia Shire's Adrian (with Bill Conti's music cued at the appropriate moment)

I won. - Bryan Cranston's indefatigable Walter White

If winning is not important, then . . . why keep score? - Michael Dorn's Worf

You push me, so I'll push you right back. - (‎hed) p.e. (or (hed) p.e) (or Hed PE) (or hed planetearth) (or hed planet earth) (or . . . whatever)

I don't panic unless I'm told to panic. - Laura DeDomenico

Image is everything. - Andre Agassi (for Canon)

Y'know 'cuz, like, I'll always be in these arguments, and, like: people have facts, and I just have vibes. - Ramy Youssef

Life is a matter of style - Joe Namath

Be afraid. . . . be very afraid. - Geena Davis' Veronica (Ronnie) Quaife

Would it help? - Mark Rylance's Rudolph Abel , responding to, "Do you ever worry?" from Tom Hanks' James Donovan (and then there's always, "What's the point in being afraid?" from Henry Ian Cusick's Desmond Hume (responding to, "[W]hy aren't you afraid?" from Terry O'Quinn's "John Locke")

I don't believe in much, but I believe in duct tape. - Ken Leung's Miles Straume

Got any duct tape? - Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's Will Sawyer (in response to the question from Chin Han's Zhao Long Ji, "So what's the plan?")

Resistance is futile. - Borg catchline

You've got another thing comin'. - Judas Priest

Always. - Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark, after Scarlett Johansson's Natasha Romanoff/Romanova asked, "You alright?"

How many yachts can you water-ski behind? How much is enough, huh? - Charlie Sheen's Bud Fox to Michael Douglas' Gordon Gekko

I drive a Dodge Stratus!! - Will Ferrell's "Dad"

Everything is awesome - Shawn Patterson/Jo Li/The Lonely Island/Tegan and Sara

This is not what "fine" looks like. - Patrick Fabian's Howard Hamlin

It depends upon what the meaning of the word "is" is. - Bill Clinton

With all due respect, I don't get confused. - Nicki Haley

I don't think it was my nature or any of ours to start complaining . . . . That's like winning the lottery and then complaining about the taxes, or becoming President and saying I don't like wearing a tie. Well, if you're lucky enough to get what you wanted - shut up. - Paul Stanley

Every time something bad happens, we don't get to blame someone else. - Judge Marilyn Milian

My behaviors don't define who I am. - Destinie Folsom (arguably the ultimate accountability-avoidance platitude)

It's better to burn out than [to] fade away. - Kurt Cobain and Def Leppard, each quoting Neil Young

I believe whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you . . . stranger. - Heath Ledger's The Joker (with a tip of the cap to Nietzsche)

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. - Leonard Nimoy's Spock (but thought by South Park's Stan to be from the Bible)

Where does he get those wonderful toys? - Jack's The Joker

Don't drink, don't smoke - what do you do? Subtle innuendos follow. - Adam Ant

I'm not like other guys. - Michael Jackson immediately before the Thriller transformation

I'm just a man who wakes up, goes to work and comes home - Jon Walters

And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man, it was called rock 'n' roll. - Jack Black's Dewey Finn (a.k.a. Mr. Schneebly)

Sickness will surely take your mind where minds don't usually go. - The Who

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. - Charles Bukowski

Just because you're eccentric doesn't mean you can't have good taste. - my wife

Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding. . . . They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee God damn you. . . . I'm not sick but I'm not well. - Harvey Danger

Despite all the amputation[s], you could dance to a rock 'n' roll station; and it was all right. / Somebody cut off her feet; now Jelly rolls in the street. - The Velvet Underground (two different songs)

Free speech is the right to shout "theater" in a crowded fire. - Abbie Hoffman

It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. - Winston Churchill (see also the "mystery wrapped in an enigma" formulation)

So you're telling me there's a chance. - Jim Carrey's Lloyd Christmas, after being told by Lauren Holly's Mary Swanson (but before she really did marry him!) that his chances to get her were "like one out of a million"

In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes - Andy Warhol

. . . and counting - guy on the microphone during the explosion scene in "Diamonds Are Forever"

I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. - Tool (as compared with Jackson Browne's "happy idiot" (who will "get up and do it again - amen"))

We are a rock band without the instruments. - Thom Young

I can't dance. I can't sing. - Genesis

But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. - Radiohead

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. - Macbeth (with thanks from John Steinbeck)

Who's on first. - Abbott and Costello (well, actually, Bud Abbott)

As opposed to good? - Harvey Keitel's Mr. White (responding to the question, "Is it bad?" from Steve Buscemi's Mr. Pink) (and channeling Bill Murray's Peter Venkman responding to Harold Ramis' Egon Spengler)

Improving something that's worthless is not a good use of our time. - Brit Wittman (channeling (improving?) Peter Drucker

It's always shocking when someone's paying attention to what you're doing. - Howard Stern

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. - George Carlin

Little pink houses for you and me. - John Mellencamp (nee Cougar)

And never mind that noise you heard - it's just the beast under your bed, in your closet, in your head. Exit light. . . . Enter night. - Metallica

Oh no, there goes Tok-ee-yo. Go go Godzilla. - Blue Öyster Cult

Nobody goes there any more; it’s always too crowded. - Yogi Berra

I think YOU're the cause of all of this. I think you're evil . . . evil! - Doreen Lang's woman in the diner‎ to Tippi Hedren's Melanie Daniels

They only come out at night. - The Edgar Winter Group

I'm stepping into the Twilight Zone. - Golden Earring

I'll be back. - Ah-nold

I'm back - back in the New York groove. - Ace Frehley

I'm not dead [yet]. - John Young's not-yet-dead guy

Born to be alive. - Patrick Hernandez

Spicy! - Bill Hader's Stefon Meyers

Never say never again. - James Bond movie

I can do this. That I can do. - Mike Costa

Engage. - Patrick Stewart's Jean-Luc ("Make It So") Picard

It's time we face reality, my friends. . . . We're not exactly rocket scientists. - one scientist to others about a not-quite-right rocket they built, in Gary Larson's The Far Side

Ditto. - Patrick Swayze's Sam Wheat

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" - Henny Youngman

Love stinks, love hurts, cruel to be kind. - J. Geils Band, Nazareth, Nick Lowe (kidding, kidding, kidding, kidding - none of it's true!)

My brain hurts. - Michael Palin's D.P. Gumby (not utterly unlike Gary Larson's quip from The Far Side, "Mr. Osborne, may I be excused? My brain is full.")

I say hey, what's going on? - 4 Non Blondes

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. - Monty Python (I'll attribute it to the whole troupe) (and beware the Comfy Chair)

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. - repeated by Steven Tyler on American Idol

People either loved us or they hated us. Or they thought we were OK. - Mitch Hedberg, talking about a band of his

The kid is hot tonight. - Loverboy

The future's so bright I gotta wear shades. - Timbuk3

I don't sing because I'm happy. I am happy because I sing. - caption for an Edward Frascino New Yorker cartoon of a man passing under a bird talking to him from a tree

If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. - Sheryl Crow (with an ironic twist)

What, me worry? - Alfred E. Neuman (initially, "What? Me worry?)

I refuse to be unhappy. - Karen Krueger

You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes well you might find you get what you need. - The Rolling Stones

Careful what you wish, you may regret it; careful what you wish, you just might get it. - sentiment derived from W.W. Jacobs' The Monkey's Paw (but as channeled by Metallica)

A man's got to know his limitations. - Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry (Callahan)

You're never alone with a schizophrenic. - Ian Hunter

Your momma told you that you're not supposed to talk to strangers. Look in the mirror, tell me - do you think your life's in danger here? - Ozzy Osbourne

I’m sorry, was that out loud? - John Ratzenberger’s Cliff Clavin

Why do all of my conversations end with me sitting alone? - the Topper guy, after talking to Dilbert

The smoker you drink, the player you get. - Joe Walsh

[Y]ou should never assume, because, when you assume, you make an "a**" out of "u" and "me." - Tony Randall's Felix Unger

You . . . you're good, you. - Robert De Niro's Paul Vitti

Baby did a bad bad thing. - Chris Isaac

Just do it! - Nike ad (bringing to mind Ben Stiller's facially similar, but ultimately very different, hilarious "do it" line in the otherwise mediocre Starsky & Hutch)

Is it safe? - Sir Laurence Olivier's Dr. Christian Szell (repeated to me by my periodontist during a particularly difficult session)

I am serious, and don't call me Shirley. - Leslie Nielsen's Dr. Rumack

Happy Happy Joy Joy - John Kricfalusi's (or maybe Bob Camp's and Billy West's) (or maybe even Burl Ives') Stinky Wizzleteats

Blood on the rocks, blood on the streets, blood in the sky, blood on the sheets. - Bon Scott's AC/DC

Lock 'n' load. - old military phrase

These go to 11. - Christopher Guest's Nigel Tufnel to Rob Reiner's Marty DiBergi

More cowbell! - Christopher Walken

Kickstart my heart. - Mötley Crüe

Heavy metal thunder. - Steppenwolf

Bang your head. Metal health'll drive you mad. - Quiet Riot

This ain't rock 'n roll; this is genocide. - David Bowie (who taught us that "we can be heroes, just for one day")

This ain't no party; this ain't no disco; this ain't no fooling around. - Talking Heads

Turn up the radio. - Autograph

It's, it's a ballroom blitz. - The Sweet

Oo wah ah ah ah. - Disturbed

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! - Beastie Boys (reminiscent of The Who's seminal effort to the same general effect)

Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah. Yeah. - Usher

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. - Marilyn Manson

Woo hoo! - Blur

Heeeey man, niiiice shot! - Filter

Fi-ya! - Brian Johnson's AC/DC

Le de freakin' da. - Chris Farley's Matt Foley

Alrighty, then. - Jim Carrey's Ace Ventura

Absoluly [sic] - Sylvester Stallone's Rocky Balboa

I can't stop my leg. - Robert Klein

Let it roll, down the highway. - Bachman-Turner Overdrive

I know what I like; I just don't know what I don't like - Naz Akyol

And what it all comes down to my friends, is that everything's just fine fine fine, 'cause I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is hailing a taxi cab. - Alanis Morissette

[T]ake a right at the light, keep goin' straight until night - and then boy you're on your own. - Bruuuce Springsteen

It's gonna be great. - Donald J. Trump

Reality has a way of asserting itself. - Barack Obama

At a certain point, coincidence becomes pattern. - Chris Chalk's Lucius Fox

Ironic, but not at all surprising. - Arthur Kohn

You can hedge your bet on a clean Corvette, to get you there right on time. - Don Felder

Don't worry about Phil. He drives a Corvette. He's doin' just fine. - Steve Carell's Michael Scott

Out on the road today, I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac. A little voice inside my head said, "Don't look back; you can never look back." - Don Henley (who also duly noted that, "The lawyers dwell on small details. . . . The lawyers clean up all details.")

[T]o . . . all . . . who thought that maybe settling for mediocrity was a good idea because it was safe - don't do it. Take a chance. Take a risk. . . . It's really worth it. - Bryan Cranston

[I]t doesn't matter how you get knocked down in life . . . because that's going to happen. All that matters is you gotta get up. - Ben Affleck

You show up, good things happen. - Glenn Frey

Kinda bent, but we ain't breakin'. - Eagles

If you laugh, think and cry, that's a heck of a day. - Jimmy V (Valvano)

When worlds collide. - Powerman 5000 (or was it Jason Alexander's George Costanza?)

Insane in the membrane - Cypress Hill

Kerfuffle - Judge Judy (Sheindlin), Bob Odenkirk's Jimmy McGill (a.k.a. Saul Goodman)

But I'm trying, Ringo, I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd. - Samuel L. Jackson's Jules Winnfield

Deny, deny, deny - Robert Morse's Ed Stander

Oh I used to be disgusted, and now I try to be amused. - Elvis Costello

If you build it, he will come. - "The Voice" (played by "Himself")

May you live in interesting times. - ancient Chinese proverb / saying / curse

I'm as mad as he[ck] and I'm not going to take this anymore! - Peter Finch's Howard Beale

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not really all against you. - anonymous

I'm shocked - shocked - to find that gambling is going on in here. - Claude Raines' Captain Louis Renault (right before being handed his winnings by Marcel Dalio's croupier)

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And, like that . . . [poof] . . . he's gone. - Kevin Spacey's Verbal Kint (a.k.a. Keyser Söze (?))

I wish you weren't such a liar. - Will Ferrell's Ron Burgundy

What we've got here is failure to communicate. - Strother Martin's Captain (repeated later by Paul Newman's Lucas Jackson)

[Thou] dost protest too much, methinks. - Queen Gertrude

They're baaaaaaack. - better-than-the-actual-movie trailer for Poletegeist II

Waiting for Godot. - Samuel Beckett

It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy, 'cause every now and then I kick the living sh** out of me. - Lit

Can we all get along? - Rodney King

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others. - George Orwell

And I'll bet the last company around [that made buggy whips] was the one that made the best godda[r]n buggy whip you ever saw. - leading man (!) Danny DeVito's Lawrence Garfield

Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pieeeeeeeeeeeeeee. - David Cross's "Slow" Donnie DiMauro

Scuba - Hank Azaria's Claude

You know what? You've got spunk. . . . I hate spunk. - Ed Asner's Lou Grant to Mary Tyler Moore's Mary Richards

It's just another Manic Monday / I don't like Mondays - Prince by way of The Bangles / The Boomtown Rats (two different songs)

Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. - Barry Switzer

It's a tough way to start at the plate when you have two strikes against you. . . . We're well beyond the three-strikes system now - we're into six or seven strikes. - Richard Roth (commenting on Lil' Kim)

I apologize if I offended more people than I usually offend. - Rex Ryan

Your apology doesn't change reality. - "Dante" (a Hearts player who calls himself that)

If I wanted to read I'd go to school. - Mike Judge's Butt-Head

I can see you in the morning when you go to school. Don't forget your books, you know you've got to learn the golden rule. - Supertramp

Look, just because you have to tolerate something doesn't mean you have to approve of it! If you had to like it, it'd be called . . . acceptance! - South Park's Mr. (Herbert) Garrison

"Hey," Herbie said, "Tony, can you fly?" But Tony couldn't fly. . . . Tony died. - The Jim Carroll Band

The only difference between truth and fiction is that fiction has to be credible. - Mark Twain (or maybe a paraphrase thereof - not sure) (my own spin on the preceding - the odds that any particular occurrence would actually have taken place in this world may be incalculably high, and yet . . . each and every one of them in fact happens)

If you were a Hollywood guy, y'know, and you were writing a script about how it was supposed to end, people wouldn't believe you that it could end like that. But it did. - Ernie Myers

I love it when a plan comes together. - George Peppard's Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith (referring to ERISA matters?)

I knew so little about making movies, that I didn't know what could and could not be done. - Sean Cunningham

Great minds think alike . . . or fools rarely differ. - original source unclear, but said to me by a fellow commuter after I uttered the first portion of the foregoing line after noticing our identical briefcases

I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary. - Mena Suvari's Angela Hayes

Because most people stop with the Z, but not me!! In the places I go there are things that I see[,] that I never could spell if I stopped with the Z. - Dr. Suess's "On Beyond Zebra" narrator

They're people. They're just people. - Al Pacino's Arthur Kirkland (not to be confused with Charlton Heston's Robert Thorn when he says, "Soylent Green is peeeeeeople")

Get a life (will you, people)! - William Shatner on Saturday Night Live

It is futile to try to arrange a meeting with more than three participants. Beyond three it is statistically impossible to find a date when all of you will be available. – Scott Adams’ Dogbert

That man just bumped into me so hard that I think he literally impregnated me . . . literally. - Nicole Sullivan's Judith to Michael Sullivan's Clyde

I don't think anybody knows it was Russia that [hacked] into the DNC. She's saying Russia Russia Russia. . . . [I]t could also be China. Could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, OK? - Donald J. Trump debating Hillary Rodham Clinton

Only Nixon could go to China. - claimed by Leonard Nimory's Cap'n Spock to be an old Vuncan proverb

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. . . . How true that is. - Dan Quayle (commenting to a meeting of the United Negro College Fund with the intention of referring to the credo, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste.")

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. - Sir Norman Joseph Wisdom

I have no pending charges, and I plan to keep it that way. - Kieffer Delp

They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God. - Dan Aykroyd's Elwood Blues

I got saved when I was 14 years old. I found Jesus Christ. And then that got put on the back burner. - Hulk Hogan on The Howard Stern Show

. . . YOU are the caretaker. You've always been the caretaker. - Philip Stone's Delbert Grady

Darling? Light of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. . . . I'm just going to bash your brains in. - Jack's Jack ("All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.") Torrance

Oh, I'm not gonna kill you. I'm just gonna hurt you, really, really bad. - Jared Leto's The Joker

Book 'em, Danno - Jack Lord's Steve McGarrett to James MacArthur's Danny Williams

He . . . kissed her on the mouth and inserted his tongue therein. - Publ. Prosecutor v. bin Yahya (T.Y. Kwang, Jud. Comm'r (Singapore 2000))

'Cuz if they catch you in the back seat trying to pick her locks they're gonna send you back to mother in a cardboard box. You better run. - Pink Floyd

What's in the box?!? - Brad Pitt's Det. Mills (used previously as the title of a 1964 episode of The Twilight Zone, and also seen at one time on (ha ha) Hewlett-Packard shopping website)

I thought outside the box without really understanding the box. - Lauren Shuler Donner

Welcome to my nightmare. I think you're gonna like it. I think you're gonna feel you belong. - Alice Cooper

Start the reactor! - Marshall Bell's Kuato (George)

Whaaaaat doooooeeees aaaaaaaaa yelllll-lllllow liiiiiiiight meeeeean? - Christopher Lloyd’s Jim Ignatowski, in response to being told by Jeff Conaway’s Bobby Wheeler that it means, "slow down")

It's . . . it's a cookbook! - Susan Cummings' Patty, revealing the secret of Richard Kiel's and other Kanamits

Earmuffs. - Vince Vaughn's Bernard "Beanie" Campbell

Before it smelled like someone puked. Now it smells like someone puked in a gardenia patch. - Kenneth Nelson's Michael, commenting on whether the room deodorant worked

[S]tep up and address the ball: Hello, ball. - Art Carney's Ed Norton teaching golf to Jackie Gleason's Ralph Kramden

You wearing THAT shirt? - Heidi Swedberg's Susan Biddle Ross to Jason Alexander's George Costanza, after George mistakenly (it turned out) informed her he was ready to go

On the inside. - Bobby Collins' clarification of where his statements are when he's supposedly standing up to his wife

How much denial are you in if you're eating a mini-muffin? "Oh I'm just gonna have like one . . . or 12." - Jim Gaffigan (who also correctly has noted that beds should be made out of bacon)

Get me out of here before I buy everything. - overheard at a Dollar Tree

You never hear of a two-off. - Mike Sherman

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're built upside down. - an old one-liner

I yam what I yam - Popeye (arguably far more eloquent than René Descartes "I think, therefore I am")

ERISA been berry, berry good to me. - apologies to Garrett Morris' Chico Escuela

Don't start citing Code sections to me! - said to me in the mid- to late 80s by an IRS agent (name withheld to protect the . . . well, you get it) in connection with the negotiation of a determination letter

I turn to the one where they're screaming the loudest. - a paraphrase from someone explaining to me how he would prioritize his many projects

[Y]ou can learn to say "no" in a half day. . . . Learning how to say "yes" takes years. - Rick Matta

You'll be playing me. And I'll know it. But that's alright. - a paraphrase from someone explaining to me how he wants to be handled.

But that's OK, they pay us less. - response from a colleague after it was noted to her how hard she was working

Fish or get off the bait. - a mentor's garbling of the phrase (corrected immediately thereafter to, "fish or get off the pot")

He wears such expensive ties. Well, I do, too, but that's OK - mine are all stained. - a paraphrase from a mentor

In the end we say this is complicated, so we can keep our jobs - John King

Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000-word document and call it a brief. - Franz Kafka (evidently doing more than thinking about those who wake up as cockroaches)

Send lawyers, guns and money. The sh** has hit the fan. - Warren Zevon

'Cuz the world needs more lawyers. - Ryan Gosling's Sebastian

Am I the only one who hears the screams and the strangled cries of lawyers in love? - Jackson Browne

And give me something to believe in. - Poison

Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit. - Oscar Wilde (or W. Somerset Maugham or George Bernard Shaw or Voltaire or . . .)

Never mind. - Gilda Radner's Emily Litella

'Nuff said! - Stan Lee

Done done and onto the next one. Done I'm done and I'm onto the next. - Foo Fighters

Just one more thing. - Peter Falk's Columbo

And that's all I have to say about that. - Tom Hanks' Forrest Gump